sacredly satisfied…
June 12, 2017
I hate when people tell me that Tyler is in a better place. I know they are well intended and I also know they are right. I do assume they have probably never felt a loss such as this. I assume their body’s have never known the intense desire to relinquish the milk that was designed for their newborn. I assume they have never experienced a let down of their milk when they hear the cry from a baby that is not their own and all they can think about is how God’s good design of a mother and her child can bring tremendous satisfaction when the two meet in the most natural and intimate way, nursing. I assume they have never held a child on their bosom and felt their heart pounding so hard that secretly they are begging God to transfer their beating heart to the cold and lifeless body that rests upon them.
It’s unnatural for a nursing mom to not have her baby. Yet, here I am. Arms so empty even they cry out! A breast pump with the notorious rhythm reminding me that Tyler will never receive the milk that my body is making for him.
I think about him and experience a let down of milk. I wake at night longing for our bodies to meet and be satisfied. I did not anticipate my body yearning for him as my heart does.
i rest in the beautiful passage that Ryan read during labor…
“Blessed are those who dwell in Your house; they are every praising You.”
Psalm 84:4
i delight in the thought of my son forever praising Our Savior. i envy his completed form and understanding of God. i know He drinks from an everlasting spring and does not required the milk made from my human body. He is fully satisfied in the presence of God.
One year later…
I still hate it when people say that, but my heart rests in that bittersweet truth every single minute of every single day! My longing desire for Tyler has not faded, but I am drawn daily into the power of His Word and the sacred scars of my Savior have become my satisfaction.
Prior to losing Tyler I would have told you that I experienced satisfaction on a daily basis; from superficial satisfaction of enjoying an ice cream cone with my son, to marital satisfaction of a selfless relationship shared between spouses, to a deeply spiritual and personal relationship with God. Satisfaction was served on a silver platter and enjoyed! Then it stopped. An abrupt blow sent my head wandering if i would every taste satisfaction again. I would attempt to eat but food was without season or taste and my appetite was absent. I would attempt to sit with kids and long to hear and be satisfied by their laughter, but I realized that I was often the source of their fun, and could not make them laugh. I sought satisfaction in solitude but realized I was worthless company.
Then July 29, 2017…
God placed Psalm 23 on my heart as i tried to sleep. i learned it as a young child. i keep repeating the first verse…
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”
Well, i want Tyler! I remember the night we returned home from the hospital and all i could cry to God was, “i want Tyler.” Over and over for hours i said this to Him. It wasn’t until i stopped informing Him of the obvious, that He gently responded, “I want him, too.” Our deepest desires in that moment expressed, and acknowledged. i fully understood in that moment God’s heart for His people. He wants us. And not only does He want us, He wants us with Him! But how does it take my “want” away? Is it not natural for us to “want” our children? Of course it is! God designed us in His image, to love our children the way He does, to desire them the way He does. When i examined the verse in greater detail, another translation allowed me to experience pure satisfaction.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”
He is my portion. He is enough! Sheep rely on the shepherd for everything! The sheep hear his call and come only to the voice of the Shepherd. The Shepherd ensures the daily portion for each sheep, leaving it, completely satisfied.
I lack nothing in life that will prevent me from praising my God and sharing His glory with others. How easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking that our satisfaction comes from His enormous blessings as opposed to His tremendous work!
I have learned that my satisfaction does not rely on the laughter of my living children, or the devotion of my husband, or the fellowship of good friends, nor does it rest in my study of the Word… i am satisfied when i realize that the blessings of abundance are mere gifts and while they bring happiness into my life and joy into my heart, i am only satisfied by my friend, Jesus. i am grateful that we can all receive satisfaction by the work He accomplished on the stake and the scars He bears for our salvation.
“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”
Psalm 90:14