Sacredly Scarred

October 9, 2018

On this day one year ago my heart was lifted to a new height.  A better place of seeing, with lenses that would alter my perspective and vantage point, with life that i new existed but had yet experienced.  It came in the form of a dream.

Dreams were so common to my existence before Tyler died, but since his death, the dreams are so far and few between.  I miss them, but the dreams I have had, are powerful and most have become a reality.  God would often use my dreams to bring me the faces of people that were hurting or needed an encouraging word.  I came to rely on the dreams as one of His methods to speak to me.  I almost always dream in color, with the exception of one dream I can recall.  That dream is a story for another day.  The dream I was gifted is engraved on my heart and mind and I recall it so often as a reminder of His promises and His presence.  It was filled with colors and vibrancy, life and promise, peace and ultimately, the glory of His presence.

October 9, 2017

Another dream…a beautiful dream.

Austyn and Connor were young, baby face with their snow like blonde hair and beaming blue eyes.  The three of us were outside and I was watching them play.  The day was sunny and no cloud to be seen.  They approached me and with her tiny hands cupped, Austyn presented a flower to me.  The flower resembled an orchid with a distinct center, but the petals and colors that formed this flower had dimension and textures that were not of this earth.  It’s shape was so beautifully ornate and the way it spilled over Austyn’s hands left me asking, “where did you find this?!”  I knew before I asked that it was from God’s garden.  Only something this beautiful could be groomed and made from God alone.  Her squeaky voice simply informed me, “it’s yours.”  As I reached out to receive the gift, the presence of the Lord overcame each of us.  My beautiful children became transfigured into golden beaming lights, their faces became more delicate and beautiful than I have ever seen, light burst from them and the weight of God and all His glory was on each of us.  Our joy became overwhelming in the moment and they continued to become more radiant in stature…and then, God spoke,

“Courtney, remember all the beauty that STILL surrounds you.” 

At this, Connor, in his barely audible voice, shouted, “Look, momma!”  And there we stood, looking into the perfect blue sky as the most exquisitely, unique  butterfly brushed over us and flew off into the distance.

October 9, 2018

I immediately woke from this dream and wrote it down.  I also woke changed.  Longing to return to the dream in which God’s presence brought the weight of His glory and caused excessive joy to overflow.  Longing to return to the dream where I was rewarded such a gift of eternal favor.  Longing to return to the dream where my children experienced God and His glory within them.  Despite my deepest longing to remain, I was not granted access to live within the confines of this dream.  I was actually instructed to begin living again.  I was instructed by the voice of God to remember the beauty that surrounds me every day.  I had gotten to a point within my painful living that I was living pain filled.  I was functioning well. In fact, most would look at me and say I was functioning better than others who have experienced a similar loss.  I was in the Word daily, knowing that only He could sustain me.  I was able to engage with great intention and love to my husband and living children.  I kept friends informed of my heart, I coveted and still do, any and all prayers that you might feel lead to offer on our behalf.  But I was not living the abundant life He desires for me.

This dream reminded me to surrender my pain filled heart unto the God who brings His benefits to the tablets of my heart.

“Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits-”  Psalm 103:2

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, inscribe them on the tablets of your heart.”  Proverbs 3:3  

I was not living to the fullest.  I was unable to see the beauty of the most simple things that I had once held so precious and fulfilling, prior to Tyler’s death.  The result of His death left my heart in a pain-filled state.  My daughter dancing in front of me and spinning on her tip toes while the sun highlighted her blonde curls became something of indifference as opposed to the enjoyment of life.  My son’s playing in the mud and searching for the snipe no longer brought laughter, just a forced smile of approval.  Food, as I have mentioned before, was without taste or satisfaction.  My mind was so focused on how God would get me through the next hour without falling apart.  My face certainly had not received the intelligence report that God had been waving in front of it.

“A glad heart makes a face happy, but heartache breaks the spirit.”  Proverbs 15:13  

But God, in all His wondrous ways of goodness, squeezed my heart one year ago.  My eyes suddenly became so aware of the fragile beauty within each relationship, within each sunrise and sunset, within each silent moment and each erupting burst of laughter.  All at once, the benefits of His great love grew my heart in size.  I felt like the Grinch when “his small heart grew three sizes that day.”

His benefits, not to include the material life in which I find comforts, but the comforts in which I get to receive because of His love for me.

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.  Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. “

Psalm 103:1-5 

I have learned that even in the pain filled days where my heart is so weighted by grief that He surrounds me by His beautiful presence.  I have learned to accept each day and all that it may bring with a heart of gratitude.  I have learned that red clay and my children are the best of friends and I will spray them off with a water hose and change their clothes as often as they want.  I have learned that drinking wine with friends and challenging one another in a game of spades makes the heart glad.   I have learned that when I kiss my kids goodnight and watch them fall asleep that I may not see them breathing the next day but if I am rewarded with their stinky morning breath, I will grab them until they try to pull away and then pull them in one last time as they resist with a smile on their face.  I have learned to praise God for the beauty He discloses to my heart.  It is overwhelming to think that I am so loved and cherished by the God who commands the hosts!

“But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear Him…”

Psalm 103:17

I find it only providential, that resting below Tyler’s name on that bronze memorial is PSALM 103.

God knew that 18 months ago when Ryan wrote that Psalm on a whiteboard in the hospital and when we chose to place it on a memorial marker, that 6 months would pass when He would chose to remind me of it’s powerful truths to live by and that I would forever be altered in my heart and in my mind on that October 9th day.  Even now I long to live within that dream, but God’s words rumble each day…”remember the beauty that still surrounds you,” and I do and until I am called home I will remember.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear him.”

Psalm 103:11