renewed…
“It doesn’t hurt as much, Mom.” This is what my little girl said to me last night as we were memorizing a bible verse for school. She likes me to say the lines then she repeats them back.
“He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.”
She begins to repeat and stops after the word weary, “Isn’t that saying the same thing twice?” I tend to pop back with immediate responses to my kids questions. I’ll fully admit, I used to be proud of this ability, now, after living more life and experiencing deep heartache, I realize it can often be a disservice to our kids. Nonetheless, her response to my response has caused a stirring within my heart that leaves me challenged.
“Well, Austyn, tired and weary seem to be very similar words, but there is a difference. Do you remember how Dad and I were very shortly after Tyler died? Do you remember our eyes and how they looked?” She just as quickly opened her pretty, blue eyes as wide as they could reach and exclaimed, “YES! I remember it always!”
And just like that scripture came to life for my 8 1/2 year old little girl. At which point she paused, looked down at her bed then directly into my eyes. “It doesn’t hurt as much, Mom.” I knew she was speaking about Tyler. I only wished I felt the same. “I feel bad that I don’t think about him everyday anymore,” she continued, no longer looking at me. I smiled at this admission. I spoke to her briefly about God’s promise to restore our hearts and she should never feel “bad” about not thinking of Tyler. “But you think about him everyday, Mom!” She was right. I think about him everyday, multiple times throughout my day. There hasn’t been a time yet where I haven’t shut my car door and thought that I should be opening the door behind me to grab his car seat or pull a growing boy out to accompany me to my destinations.
She interrupted my wondering mind…”Mom? Are you about to cry?” I was. Not the tears that are so filled with sadness though. I marveled at the candidness of my child. I love that she openly shared and expressed that her heart felt lighter. There is a comfort zone with pain. She is moving out of that zone and into the renewing of her heart and mind.
“Tears of joy, Austyn. There is a hope that you trust in and understand even more than most because of Tyler’s death.”
“Do you think I will have to bury one of my children?” She asked and looked directly into my eyes for the answer. My breath almost taken away, but what an opportunity to speak about trials and tragedies…I wanted with all my heart to reassure her that she would not lose a child, but I couldn’t.
“Sweet girl, my prayer is that you will never experience this pain with one of your children, but you are not guaranteed that and you may have to bury one of your babies. And if that is the case, and you face that pain, I pray you will remember the words we place in the heart of our home…
“IN CHRIST ALONE…MY HOPE IS FOUND.”
She smiled at me with the wisdom that goes before her age and asked to return to learning her bible verse. For those who know the verse, it’s only fitting what she learned next…
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. The will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:29-31
I know many of us struggle with the freshness of our wounds. I know that pain is initially uninvited and never desired, but when we live with it for an extended period of time it becomes comfortable. I know that my child is young and doesn’t quite grasp the tethering of a mom’s heart to their children. I know she doesn’t quite understand the unconditional love a parent has for a child. But what I do know is she has tasted grace and relied on the hope of the LORD and in that enormous act of trust she has experienced a renewing of her heart and she has been left to declare,
“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”
1 Peter 5:10
Praying for the many of you that I know have fresh wounds that burn so deep. May we suffer well for those children who watch us struggle and those close enough that hear our cry. May they see us renewed by the everlasting God who promises to restore us and make us strong.