Sacredly Scarred

April 14, 2018

We hiked the Big Basin Redwood state park today. I find much delight in Ryan. So many thoughts entered my heart and mind as we trekked along. I was careful to follow his lead, watching his feet land where they did and trying to place mine where he had already tested the ground. Much like our God…guiding me along a path that I’ve never taken, warning me ahead of time if there is unsteady foundation or slippery rock that might cause me to fall.

The patience it involved in accomplishing the task, required steady pace and the occasional strain. I imagine much of what my remaining time on earth will look like. Sometimes the steady climb leaving us winded and ready for a break but such beauty when we realize that in the working there was great reward awaiting us.

Grateful that my Guide always remains in my visible path, that His presence is constant and He will never leave me.

April 14, 2019

This time last year we were approaching the one year mark without our son. We were provided the rare opportunity to spend a few days together without the rest of our tribe. We had not been away from them since Tyler’s death, and I had not spent a night without watching them fall asleep. This trip however, had a strong pull, as our goal was to tend to one another’s heart as we drew one year closer to Eternity.

We began our hike early that morning with a coolness in the air and dampness on the ground. Ryan and I have always been able to talk about anything, have never fallen short on challenging one another, openly share our hearts, and yet we can relish together in the comfort of silence.  I share these details because the trek included each. Ryan was our guide for most of the trip. It was a transformative experience for me. He appeared to act so much like Jesus, leaving me yet again in awe of the tender care God takes in guiding us through life.

The initial outset of the trek left us side by side. We talked, laughed, stopped to examine majestic trees, even held hands as we walked under the Redwood covering. After about an hour or so, Ryan’s pace picked up a bit and I fell into a tight vertical on his heels. We remained talking about all things from Tyler’s death to what we would have for dinner that night. He would point out the most intricate details along the path and make me stop and observe. This forest was mesmerizing and mystic.

Following another hour, this is were we went silent, well, at least our voices did. My heart went all the way back to me being a 7 year old little girl. Verse after verse flooded my mind. It was as if I were watching a movie and so many scriptures I had memorized over my lifetime were scrolling in front of me and reminding me how present God has remained over the toughest year of my life.  It was supernatural. I desired to speak and tell Ryan what was happening but I didn’t want to interrupt these moments. I remained on his heels truly placing my foot where he had left his mark. He would occasionally stop, reach his hand out and urge me to place mine in his, in order to make a questionable climb feel more like a steep step. I couldn’t stop envisioning as this day continued how Ryan was showing me exactly how God had been handling me over the last year.

I’ve walked side by side with my Savior, knowing his voice, sharing the most intimate details of life with Him, expressing both joyful and sorrowful times. I have watched Him slide in front of me to guide me and I have listened to Him stop me and teach me about the intricate details of life. I have sat with Him in silence. I have required His strength to pull me up the climb I could not do on my own. But then the very human part of me came out…Ryan sped up, he saw something he wanted me to experience. I responded and told him that was not on the path. He said trust me then became barely visible through the overwhelming forest.

Have you been there? Have you felt that as you’ve walked with God you’ve been tended to, cared for, “blessed”, but the moment He says, “follow me this way,” you respond with a confused, “but that’s not on the path!?” Do you question His ability to know in full? Do you question if He really wants you to experience an abundant life? Do you question the path He has you on and the circumstances it took to get you there?

For those of us who have hesitated to quickly follow but followed nonetheless, we can reassure those of you questioning the path; He knows what He is doing and where He leads you is more rewarding than the path you would have remained trekking.

You know where Ryan lead me? The base of a waterfall, a plunge pool. Do you know what the reward was? Refreshing water to replenish for the remaining journey, and an incredible view from bottom up, to remind us where we steady in position to our Heavenly Father.

“As high as the sky is above the earth so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
‭‭Isaiah 55:9‬ ‭

I will leave you with this final depiction of how God leads us during the remainder of this life.

We have always enjoyed pushing ourselves a bit. We were told it would take 8-10 hours to complete the journey. Ryan however, felt we could more than beat that timing and conquer the quest in under 5. After our quick refreshing at the waterfall, he picked up the pace and set us on our way. I was no longer directly on his heels, I remained a few steps back from him but always within his reach and always able to hear his voice. It was only toward the end that I realized how he was pacing us. He was close enough to hear my breath. He was so intimately familiar with my breathing pattern to know when his pace was too quick and he would barely slow down but never acknowledge that I couldn’t keep up.   He gaged how quickly he would move us up a climb based on my respiration rate. He never once complained or got frustrated if I couldn’t maintain his speed, he merely slowed his pace and entertained me along the way. Isn’t this a beautiful depiction of our Lord? We could never keep up with Him on our own accord, but when He is the pacesetter, we trust that He is near enough to hear our breath, to modify the pace in order to reach the end.

As we approached our final trail I recall Ryan dropping in right behind me, he was on my heels now and he placed his hand ever so gently on the small of my back and placed a minimal amount of pressure as we made it up the final climb. It was the push I needed to get there with him. Doesn’t God do the same? Haven’t you felt that gentle nudge when you are straining to finish strong or just make it through the day? Do you recognize that nudge from the hand of God?

It became blazingly apparent that God used this trip to demonstrate who He is, how He leads, and how He loves. The final destination was now in site, we were coming in under the 5 hours that Ryan had promised, he still had much pep in his step and could have gone another 5! I however, remember him taking my hand as we saw our journey coming to an end. He stood beside me yet again and guided me to our destination. Isn’t this the promise we receive as one who trusts in God? He promises to return and lead us into an eternal life with Him where the pace is perfect and His presence is palpable.

“Since I am going and preparing a place for you, I will return to take you with me; so that where I am, you may be also.”
‭‭John 14:3‬ ‭