Sacredly Scarred

I have had dozens of people ask me to write about what they “should say and do” when a friend loses a child? For a select number of us, today holds a seemingly silent acknowledgment of our children we have buried and/or lost within our own bodies. October 15th, is accepted worldwide as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I feel it ever so fitting to finally sit down and share some do’s and don’ts.

I hesitate, but when one is already wounded by the loss of a child, words that are intended to comfort can be received as insensitive and careless. I truly believe that people who have attempted to comfort me or share a story that “relates” to mine, have done so with the best of intentions. There is beauty in one’s fellowship with pain, and when a friend, or family member, or stranger can crawl into that space with you, there is eternal value that expresses God’s ability to comfort the aching heart.

First and foremost, please understand that our EVERYDAY is wrapped around the absence of the child we lost and the day they died. So, as hesitant as I have been to share this, my prayer is first, that you can get through it, and use it, because you will probably know someone during your lifetime that will face the journey of remaining earth side despite the death of their child.

The DONT’S:

Don’t say, “I understand,” unless you to have buried a child.

Don’t say, “They are a little angel now watching over you.” It’s poor theology; God did not create us to become angels when we die, we are created to bear His image!

Don’t say, “He is in the arms of Jesus, there is no better place.” True, no better place, but let me give you perspective on this comment…if you have a child or children, think of one of them…you have their name on the tip of your tongue? Now, imagine that they get to go to the most beautiful place you know; you know the person who will be taking care of them, in fact, you know your child will be in No better hands . Everyday they will receive the utmost attention, learn and excel in mastering the human condition. Now, imagine walking away, never to correspond with your child again, never to receive updates, never a letter, or picture, you never hear their voice again. It’s true they are in the presence of God, but even God acknowledges the overwhelming and powerful bound of a mother and a child. We want them in our arms!

Don’t say, “At least you have other kids.” I’ll expand on this so you understand why it is hurtful. In saying this, what is received from the bereaved is that their child’s life is not valued. It expresses a flippancy toward life that comes across leaving the wounded heart feeling very angry, misunderstood, defensive, and resentful. Those of us who have living children do not need to be told or reminded of them. Trust me when I say, a new heart for them is formed with more love and admiration because of the death of their sibling.

Don’t say, “You can always have another child.” We want the child that died! And guess what else, as I have personally found, maybe we can’t have another child!

Don’t say, “At least they weren’t older.” This is just the worst! You will probably lose a friendship over this one.

Don’t say, “They may have been saved from a lifetime of pain.” Really?! I mean, really?! No explanation on why not to say this is needed!!!

Don’t say, “Time will heal.” Just a quick fact, “Time” the way we use it, has zero power! It cannot heal, it cannot save, it cannot feel, it cannot possibly understand pain. If time will heal my heart then my belief system is way off! Only One can heal my heart and He did it on a cross and He is the One who creates time!
Another quick vent on the whole time thing; as time continues to tick away, it’s only gotten harder to live without Tyler.

Don’t say, “It could have happened to anyone.” I 100% do NOT believe this! In suffering there is selection or favor from a Sovereign God. An acquaintance who had just had a child a week after Tyler died, stood in my front yard and said, “it just as well could have been us.” I was screaming inside. If you believe in the sovereignty of God then you believe that He is in control of all things that occur in your life! You are chosen to bear your scars in order that you may declare with bold assurance the Scars that will always overcome.

Don’t complain about how tired you are from being up all night with your baby or toddler. In other words, know your audience, it’s fine to tell your mom that or friends in similar situations but even then, you don’t know everyone’s story. It’s best just to hold your tongue.

Don’t compare your dog’s death to my child’s death. I know the studies reveal that the grief is similar but may I please speak very candidly. I’ve buried 3 dogs, 1 baby, and grieved 2 lives taken through miscarriage. The grief of a dog compared to a baby is NOTHING that should be mentioned nor used to console a bereaved parent!

Don’t, please oh please, Don’t say nothing!!!

I will dispel a myth for you. So many people have told me that they do not wish to cause additional pain if they bring up Tyler. They are scared to ask about him or how I’m doing for fear that they will inflict more pain. I speak for myself but represent an army of warrior moms that will tell you, you could not inflict more pain on me than I already live with. No human could possibly use words that would pierce me more deeply than me holding my lifeless child and feeling the hole burning within my own heart as I watch death overtake his frame. Speak his name. It gives value to his life which ultimately means you are acknowledging how tremendous my loss is.

Ok, so take a derp breath at this point and if you might have said something like this to a bereaved mom know that she is full of grace and forgive yourself. She already has.

On that note, maybe I could give you a few things to say…

Say, “I cannot even imagine.”

Say, “I am so sorry.”

Say, “This sucks!” Because it does, it sucks everything from you and leaves you sometimes feeling so empty.

Say, and only if you plan to, “I am lifting your name to the Throne of God.”

Say, when you randomly run into them, “How is your heart doing?” And be ok if you get a quick short response, but be so prepared for us to express every thought no matter how jumbled it is.

Ask, “What is your child’s name?”

Ask, “How are you even standing here?” A dear woman said these very words to me not long ago, and I felt justified! I felt as though someone finally acknowledged how difficult it is to get up each and every day and live!

Do…listen, with no intentions to speak.
Do not be alarmed or feel like you need to fill in any silence if a bereaved parent speaks the name of their child. Just listen. It’s a difficult thing to do for most people. We don’t need you to fix anything or provide the magical words that will make our heart all of a sudden back to “normal.” We are learning our new normal. We are different and will be forever. Some friends and family can handle that, others cannot.

Do…embrace us and don’t let go until we let up on the other end.

Do…speak the name of our child.

Do…share your tears alongside us. My sisters have so often sat and listened with the most engaged eyes and their responses are perfect…the liquid language that falls from the eyes of one who listens and feels with you, is comforting in ways that are impossible to put into words.

Do be careful when quoting scripture or reminding us of “God’s plans.” If they are a lover of Christ, they have already recited those scriptures you want to share. I’m not saying don’t, I’m simply saying tread lightly and be discerning when bringing up God’s plans.

Do…realize that sometimes there are no words on earth that will ever be sufficient.

At this point you know the things to say and not to say, but many people have asked me, “What can I DO?” We are doers aren’t we? For all of you that wish to serve here are some helpful things to Do…

Bring a meal, but expect nothing other than a thank you.

If they have living children, offer to take them for a few hours. Initially, I did not want my children out of my sight, but after a few weeks, I realized they needed laughter and enjoyment of life that I was not providing. Be persistent in asking.

Write a hand written letter.

Drop off cookies.

Jot down the date of their child’s death in your calendar and remember it. On that day send a text or flowers and say their child’s name.

Provide them a Hope Box which has several little items that will be meaningful to them, but primarily a safe resource they can connect with other bereaved moms.
www.hopemommies.org

Send them a Christmas ornament that memorializes their child.

Mow their lawn.

If you are a praying person, pray for us and then share that with us! I have a friend who told me she wakes often around 2am and prays for me. Do you know that at 2am 3 years ago I begged the Lord not to take Tyler out of my arms? I wept over him knowing I did not have the strength to hand him over. Every night at 2am, for the first 2years I was awake. I believe the Lord stirs the heart of people to help with burdens that seem unbearable.

Finally, if you are at a loss but want so deeply to help, give them my number and share any part of my journey. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a complete stranger, but one that has endured similar loss has the ability to listen and grieve alongside them with wisdom and understanding.

If you’ve made it this far and are still reading may I first say thank you. I promise you, this will bless the heart of someone you may know now or in the future who has or will experience the loss of a child. May I also ask that you realize our hearts are so changed by loss. We don’t know how we will process each day much less each minute. I realize it sounds so selfish but give us grace. When we haven’t picked up the phone in months and checked in on you, it’s not because we don’t care, it’s that we are working hard to survive the day to day and many days we are simply left speechless.

We feel left behind when our child beats us Home. It’s unnatural in the order of typical life. Then again, death is unnatural. So, if you know someone this year that has lost a child, whether it be two weeks ago or 22 years ago, drop them a note and speak the name of their child, acknowledge their ongoing pain that will not cease until death takes them too. You will bless their heart as you acknowledge that they and their precious child are known by you.

“He rescued us from such deadly peril, and he will rescue us again! The one in whom we have placed our hope will indeed continue to rescue us. And you must add your help by praying for us; for the more people there are praying, the more people there will be to give thanks when their prayer for us is answered.”
‭‭2 Corinthians 1:10-11‬ ‭