Grief
April 28, 2022
I do not pretend to understand it fully; I do not intend to hijack it spiritually; I merely desire to put it in words in case there are others out there experiencing it the way I do but are unable to explain it…
Grief can be the result in the absence of someone that has caused your love, attention, devotion, and admiration to no longer be received.
It leaves the love that one desires to express without a recipient; thereby leaving the grieved inflamed with love that cannot be emptied or satisfied. As a result the swelling of love may appear “abnormal” to one that has never felt the everyday absence of one of their people.
Grief or inflamed love does not ease with time. It does not even change with seasons. It may shift shapes as one has to adapt to the demands of everyday life, but it is always present.
As with any inflammation, there is a constant pressure that is felt, mainly in the heart. Some moments the pressure seems so full you feel you can’t breathe; other moments you’ve been able to elevate the swollen love and the result is gratitude. To be clear, one is not more valued than the other….both are expressions of love bound within us.
The hardest thing about those of us that have grief as our lifelong companion, is that we keep that love meant for that one person bottled inside. Love was intended to share with another human. Grief is the result of that swollen love being harbored within us. It builds and builds as the years pass on. You grow accustomed to its nearness and often learn to wear it well or at least around those that cannot understand it yet.
Many who’ve yet to experience it have misconceptions and preconceived notations that we who live with it, are “stuck,” “need to move on,” “get over it,” “quit living in the past,” “find the joy or beauty that surrounds you.” I’d argue that we are not stuck, but forced to loose our grip on the people we love; we don’t need to “move on” we are quite comfortable understanding that God gives us moments in life that cause us constant reflection and stillness in order to understand His sovereignty; we will never “get over” the absence of a life that we would have sacrificed our life for; our past, we are unable to physically live in, and our headspace has freedom to dream of what life could have been, which is often painfully therapeutic but still therapeutic; and the whole “joy and beauty” one, well, there is an inexplicable and profound understanding of real joy when your heart and mind have sorrowed and mourned your child’s death. There is a beauty that exists with new lenses that seemed to have cleared and genuine beauty is finally understood!
Grief is not ugly; although one may ugly cry.
Grief is not awkward; although others may think so.
Grief does not stunt one’s growth; although it may slow one down.
Grief is not unfriendly; although you may see friends leave.
Grief is not the same for everyone; although everyone will experience it at some point.
Grief is not shameful; although others may shame you for expressing it.
Grief is not desired; although you may find true satisfaction once it enters your life.
It’s just a thought, but grief is often miscast as something that we need healing from. “Stages” that we will encounter and eventually reconcile. My experience reveals that grief has merely been the immense amount of love that I carry for my son I had to bury. It is swollen love that I can give to no one and that has revealed a new understanding of God’s ability to use the tragic moments of life to shape the human heart to understand more like Him…or maybe more clearly stated, we are finally able to understand that there is a God who grieves, and He too weeps and that is a God I desire to know and trust.
“Jesus wept.” John 11:35