Sacredly Scarred

I have received a series of questions similar to the following over this last year as people I know and even some that I don’t know have reached out to me during their most painful hours. 

“I feel so emotionally broken and really trying to pick up the pieces but I am having trouble picking up that first piece.”

“How could this be taken away from me?”

“Did God want him to die?”

“God is so great, He is with you, He is watching over you. Then why do I feel betrayal and anger and sadness.”

“Was this really part of His plan?”

“I don’t think even now I have opened my arms and heart to God. I am waiting for this magical moment to where I am going to feel that presence and somehow I will pick up the pieces and move on.”

“I was hoping that you could help me as I am struggling with my faith right now.”

The letter below was sent to one of the hurting hearts that reached out to me with some of these questions.   It might be that you too are suffering with the deepest of aches and wrestling with the same thoughts my broken-hearted friend is….I responded to this suffering heart and to those whose hearts long for relief…

As I read the pain you have endured over the last 6 months my heart is heavy for you. As you know, there are no magic words that any human can provide you. In fact, we tend to think that we can ease your pain through our words of “advice” or encouragement and often times they seem so empty and without conviction that you wish people might just shut up. That being said, I have also experienced the mighty power of God’s goodness through the body of Christ…people that mourn with us, burden for us, pray over us, take our children and provide them moments of laughter that they have always known, yet our home was unable to provide for a short time following our loss.

I desire to be ever so sensitive to you. First, knowing that your heart is broken, the waves of emotions that you are constantly experiencing and all the while remembering that you have little ones to shepherd and a husband to love. Only ONE source can sustain you in this moment. This suffering is a giant and depending on how you choose to lean will ultimately determine the path you choose to journey throughout this life.

You are forever changed, physically yes, but mentally and spiritually as well. Your emotions of sadness, anger, confusion are all created by God. Don’t make the mistake of thinking He does not care about you. Quite the contrary! He is clear about suffering and how in suffering we are drawn closer to Him and gain a deeper understanding of His character. In psalm 68:19…”praise be to the Lord, to God Our Savior, who DAILY bears our burdens.” This is an incredible statement! Unlike any other god, unlike any other human, we trust a God who picks up our burdens everyday and shoulders them…imagine the burden you feel now, but doing it on your own? I remember early on telling God that my burden did not feel “light.” He reminded me quickly that it was not, that in fact, this burden would crush most people, but I was selected for this suffering, just like He has selected you for your particular suffering. Afterall, the world will know we belong to Him when we have been tossed in the fire and come out refined, with new lenses and our battle cry is, “not for us Lord, but to your Name, be the glory because of YOUR great love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 115:1.)

I’ll remind you of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego…God did not prevent them from being tossed in the fire, He joined them in this life event! The same with you and me…He could have prevented you from experiencing pain and my delivery to go as “we” had planned…but I will share this with you…my little Tyler’s death, has touched more hearts and expanded God’s eternal kingdom in one year than most will do in a lifetime. It doesn’t take away my intense longing for my son, but it’s in moments like this where I can stand fully secure knowing that God is working and in my waiting To be restored to my Tyler, He will continue to expose how good He is.

My lenses are forever altered. He embedded me in His Word, reminding me daily that I/we are not alone. I picked up Psalm the day I delivered, I read it through in 6 weeks, longing for the night to come when the house was quiet and I could grieve knowing that God was grieving with me and for me…You mentioned picking up that “first piece.” May I encourage you to start by picking up The book of Psalm? You will read prayers that seem as though they are straight from your heart…aching, desperate, longing for something that was taken, but as David and the other psalmist do so beautifully, they lay their heart open wide, vulnerable yet ready to trust the God whom we will never fully comprehend on this earth; but throughout, we are constantly seeing the power of His character, the depth of His love for us, the pain He endured for us and with us, the lengths He goes to pursue us in our saddest hours, the light He promises to keep a glow despite the darkness that surrounds us.

Just like those friends who encouraged you that “God is great, God is with you”…etc. My words are well intended. I realize you may not be ready to receive them but I have walked or been carried through deep pain over the last year and might be able to speak more clearly about experiencing God in the midst of suffering. One thing this world promises us, “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33)

At our son’s funeral, my husband spoke, and he told everyone there how broken our world is. And not only is it broken but it’s not the way God intended it to ever be. (Parents burying a newborn, pregnancies gone so bad leaving a mom scarred physically and emotionally, families torn apart longing for what once was)…it’s not what God designed…but, and this is where joy remains despite our broken hearts, our hope is eternal, it is in Christ alone! Who promises to heal the broken-hearted, to restore our relationships, to catch every tear.

Tears are healing, so beautiful in their nature.  Everyone’s tears are unique to their own pain. I envision the masterpiece that God is creating for me needed special tears to bring about the colors in This piece of work…colors that this world does not know but colors that are brought about by the tears that bring a new vibrancy and beauty of His handiwork. You are His handiwork!

Stay anchored in truth as you wrestle with Him. I’ll let you know from experience, He always wins. He will continue to display His good works all around you; don’t be so blinded by your pain that you miss Him in the daily happenings of life. He is everywhere! He is always at work. 

Our comfort is in God’s character not answers. So suffer well for your children, for your husband, for you, for the Savior that demonstrated perfect suffering as He deserved nothing short of Heaven’s throne, but for our sake hung on that cross.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:16-18‬) ‭

May you fix your gaze on Jesus and cling to His Word as you run this race.

In the grip of His grace,
Courtney