Sacredly Scarred

I live each day with a memory.  It never changes.  God takes pieces of this memory, my story, and constantly reveals His nature to me.  While the memory does not change and I relive it each and everyday, i am the one who continues to be refined.

I realize that it is not “my story,” but one that many of you might share as well.  For that, I am sorry.  This club is one no one ever dreams they will enter, and they are forever altered when they do.  Pain in general, is one we do not wish upon ourselves, but we know we are certain to encounter it.  May our prayer be that even one heart that is hurting so deeply, will see this beautiful love story the Father has served, and receive new lenses that keep a steady gaze on our Savior.

written one year ago in memory of April 28, 2017

“Not to us, Lord, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness…Our God is in heaven; He does whatever pleases Him.”  Psalm 115: 1,3

The stillness within me on that early morning in April left me singing a song, “He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away.  My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your Name.”

It was the stillness that every mom fears.  I don’t know why or how and I will never question God.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

I will never forget the moment when I saw Tyler’s perfectly formed heart without a lullaby rhythmic beat.  My heart and flesh cried out.  Thoughts of loss and pain raced through my head; not only the loss of Tyler, but I begged God not to take Ryan too.  I knew this suffering would cause us to either fall face down at the foot of His throne or cause anger and resentment to build in our hearts.  God had both of us though, and would not allow us “to be shaken.” Psalm 16

When Ryan ran into the room and embraced me, I went limp. I needed him and HIM to hold me up…Ryan reassured me that we were ok and God is so good.  God had answered my first request…Together, the journey of this selected suffering began.

We spent 8 hours back at home…grieving, uncertain about how I could possibly deliver Tyler.  I desired to labor well and gracefully but feared that I could not endure the emotional pain that would coincide with the physical pain.  God reminded me of a song I learned as a small child…”His name is Jesus, Jesus, sad hearts beat no more. He has healed the broken-hearted open wide the prison doors, He is able to DELIVER evermore!”

He answered another prayer…Peace about delivery.

Before we left our home Ryan took me by the hand and led me into Tyler’s nursery to pray.  He prayed that God’s sovereignty would be evident.  He prayed that we would love the nurses and doctors and staff at the hospital with the love that God shows us.  He prayed that the name above all names would be praised and honored and spoken by those we encountered because of the death of our son.  I knew God was holding Ryan close.

The room was tucked away in the back corner of Labor & Delivery; intentionally and thoughtfully distant from the other L&D rooms.  

The labor was long as the process began April 28th, at 11pm.  I was 9 months pregnant.  My body was about to endure the hardest mental, physical, and spiritual test I’ve ever been presented. I wanted to feel everything about Tyler; I needed to feel everything about Tyler…in hindsight, I guess the length of labor was a gracious act of God allowing me to keep him longer.  I know God intervened and breathed for me…I couldn’t sleep, but I could cry…I listened to Ryan sing and read and cry over me and with me…He didn’t stop pouring God’s Word over us…the most intimate of moments between the two of us occurred in a room labeled as “fetal  demise.”

In the fullness of His power the one true God made His presence known in that room.  He guided Ryan, He comforted me, He brought His Name to the lips of many.  He met us in our sorrow and delivered us through the pain of labor, loss, and abandonment.  He allowed perseverance through suffering as I felt every contraction throughout my body and gave me the focus to deliver well.  As I pushed I felt the opposite reaction within.  The tug of war between nature and nurture…I wanted our Tyler but the cords of death entangled his frame and cursed me; but as quickly as I felt the pull of death, the release of love occurred.  The same feelings of love and satisfaction I experienced with our other 3 babies was just as strong and just as real with Tyler.  He was here!  Only, the room was silent. Ryan and Doctor in tears.   My heart occupied by deep sorrow yet fulfilling joy.  Tyler was in my arms, on my chest, except his body was cold and the life had left him.  His breath was absent. There was no cry.  His face was beautiful.  His lips shaped like a heart.  His eyes captured the most beautiful shades of turquoise that I believe exist.  This was God’s sacred moment.

His nose dripped blood all night long as I held him.  I remember having tissues nearby or using my gown to gently wipe it away, knowing that this was my only opportunity to tend to  the blood that this son would present.  I had envisioned a lifetime or at least a childhood of tending to the blood that would leave scars on his body.  Instead,  his blood would leave the scars on my heart.

He was indeed made by the hands of the Almighty Creator.  There was a sweetness to the smell of death.  A smell that I pray will never leave the blanket he was wrapped in, but a smell that I believe God gave just to me.  A fragrance that takes me to a place were only God can meet my needs and comfort my heart and bring me His peace.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

I kissed my sweet Tyler over and over and over again.  Each time with the chill of the receiving end reminding me that this earth is not his home, nor mine, and Tyler beat me to it!

“But our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”  Philippians 3:20-21