no guilt in life…
There is an emotion that each of us experience. What we do with this emotion can bend our direction and our path in life to always press forward or regress into our past, missing out on the abundance of life God intends for us. Guilt. Guilt can keep us bound in chains and living as a prisoner. The Accuser is so clever and can feed our hearts and minds lies that seem so close to the truth…
May 4, 2017
My mind reliving the days gone by. I told Ryan I would not play the “i should have done this”, “i should have known”, “if only i would have” game. But here I am, desperately longing to nurse my child and allowing those thoughts to race through my head. I knew I was days from delivery! I even told Ryan to make sure he was in town the following week because Tyler would be here in just a few days. I was right. But i envisioned the outcome looking different than it was.
It took hours for me to recognize this as a lie from the enemy but oh how clever he is…he knows how vulnerable and where to attack. The Accuser brought every thought building up to Tyler’s death into my mind and twisted it just so it became “my fault.” “You should have gone to the doctor when you felt him slow down.” “You should have never made that bed the way you did.” “You should have rested more and not been going so hard.” “You should have never been in the car for that long!” “You should have been more concerned about your prenatal care considering your age.” The list of lies goes on and on. The underlying issue, control. I allowed the idea that i was in control and had power to stop or prevent my son’s death. How foolish of me! If i trust in God’s sovereignty then i don’t trust sometimes, i trust all the time, no matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome.
This is not guilt from God! What a relief. I rest so closely to my Savior that He will overcome this false guilt and allow me to live free of these lies. I recall those moments when Ryan and I first embraced after learning of Tyler’s death. I cried out to him saying over and over, “I’m sorry.” His response so firm, his eyes so intentional in relaying the truth, “you did nothing wrong! This is not your fault!” How easy to forget that we are not in control.
I have learned following today that I will need to be ready for the battle of lies that will be thrown my way. I will arm myself with His Word and lay my false pretenses of control at His feet.
“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
2 Corinthians 10:4-5
I’ll fast forward to March when the lie crept back into my life…Many people quote the scripture, Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” The phrase “be still” can be translated as “desist” meaning to cease from an action that causes weariness. This Psalm praises God for His deliverance and victory during battle. God reminding the Israelites as He does with us, that though the battle seems to rage around us, He will fight it for us, all we need do, is be still…desist.
March 6, 2018
As the battle roared on yesterday, I learned to “desist.” The Spirit of God dwells within me. The battle is not mine.
Realizing I’m under attack as of Sunday…God reminded me to “desist” surrender and drop my defenses, that He will fight this one for me…I wrestled with the thought that my body, the very thing that attached me to Tyler that provided his lifeline is what took it; I wrestled with this early on and the thought returned Sunday…so hard to wrap my mind around it; other than the brokenness that He never desired…I watched a blue planet special about the resurrection plant among others; it was baffling yet so beautiful to see a plant that blooms so briefly then it’s defense to spread its seed/legacy involves becoming a tumbleweed that is blown by the wind and as it is dead, it’s seeds are being protected and scattered along the way…praying we can be faithful in spreading the seeds that death delivered our family.
Amazing, how I have realized during attack, that although my mind would listen, nothing was able to penetrate…I recognized immediately the lie that is easy to believe, that I should have known, that I could have stopped it, cannot infiltrate my being. That the power of the Spirit indeed dwells and takes over residence, leaving that shield about me. Shield of faith.
“But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.”
Psalm 3:3
How often we can fall into the trap set for us and hang our head in shame? Guilt ridden that we can’t hear that voice saying, you’ve done nothing wrong; Or even better, “you wear that guilt and shame no more.” Our battle cry on that long night of labor became In Christ Alone…
‘No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow’r of Christ I’ll stand.”